1
00:00:02,407 --> 00:00:05,797
♪ They say l might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,847 --> 00:00:09,283
♪ That l am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,327 --> 00:00:12,763
♪ So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,807 --> 00:00:16,197
♪ But l have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,247 --> 00:00:20,286
♪ l may be over the hill
now that l have retired
6
00:00:20,327 --> 00:00:23,603
♪ Fading away, but l'm not yet expired
7
00:00:23,647 --> 00:00:27,765
♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,807 --> 00:00:30,116
♪ One foot in the grave ♪
9
00:00:33,807 --> 00:00:37,482
There's a rat walking
up his garden path now.
10
00:00:39,487 --> 00:00:42,604
l could stuff a mattress
with your pubic hair.
11
00:00:48,047 --> 00:00:50,686
What do you do?
Pull it out with tweezers?
12
00:00:51,687 --> 00:00:53,962
He's stopped by the clothes prop,
13
00:00:54,007 --> 00:00:56,840
now he's turning round
and walking back down again.
14
00:00:56,887 --> 00:00:58,525
Bloody things!
15
00:00:58,567 --> 00:01:01,001
lt's just the same when l make the bed.
16
00:01:01,047 --> 00:01:04,244
lt's like sleeping
with a moulting porcupine.
17
00:01:06,207 --> 00:01:09,995
Do you have to stand on top
of the lavatory like Nelson's Column?
18
00:01:10,047 --> 00:01:13,517
Why don't you use the toilet roll
as a telescope and be done with it?
19
00:01:13,567 --> 00:01:16,639
And how do you know it's a he?
Your eyesight isn't that good.
20
00:01:17,647 --> 00:01:19,717
Hang on, he's coming out again.
21
00:01:19,767 --> 00:01:22,235
He's brought shears
to trim the honeysuckle.
22
00:01:22,287 --> 00:01:26,997
lf he so much as snips one of my sweet
peas off over that fence, l've got him!
23
00:01:27,047 --> 00:01:29,038
God almighty.
24
00:01:29,087 --> 00:01:31,647
Seven months of this, l've put up with.
25
00:01:32,647 --> 00:01:34,922
What happened happened.
26
00:01:34,967 --> 00:01:39,199
Why can't you both let it rest instead of
behaving like you're at infant school?
27
00:01:39,247 --> 00:01:42,364
l am not behaving
as if l am at infant school!
28
00:01:45,487 --> 00:01:48,479
ln any case, he started it.
29
00:01:50,007 --> 00:01:54,319
When your neighbour mows down your
garden gnomes with a machine gun,
30
00:01:54,367 --> 00:01:56,403
it's not something you quickly forget.
31
00:01:56,447 --> 00:01:59,564
Worse than a couple
of feuding cowboys.
32
00:02:00,487 --> 00:02:05,117
l've seen you trying to train Mrs Lacey's
cat to be sick on his rockery.
33
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,606
Who did?
34
00:02:07,647 --> 00:02:10,923
Demonstrating how to stick
a paw down its throat.
35
00:02:10,967 --> 00:02:14,323
l've never known anyone be so petty.
36
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:18,724
l was not... ln any case, which of us
keeps leaving little yellow Post-it Notes
37
00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:20,723
on the back gate every five minutes?
38
00:02:20,767 --> 00:02:24,043
lf we're talking about petty,
what about these?
39
00:02:26,047 --> 00:02:27,799
''Lawnmower too loud.''
40
00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:31,801
''Creosote splash found on lupins.''
41
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:36,797
''For Christ's sake,
put some oil on that wheelbarrow.''
42
00:02:36,847 --> 00:02:39,759
l don't believe
you've actually stuck those in a book.
43
00:02:40,927 --> 00:02:42,519
And don't forget this!
44
00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:46,116
Laying a tripwire so l'd fall flat
on my face in his wet cement.
45
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:48,237
Oh, for God's sake.
46
00:02:48,287 --> 00:02:51,165
l heard him laughing at me
through the letter box,
47
00:02:51,207 --> 00:02:55,837
laughing and whispering,
''Got you, you bastard!'' under his breath.
48
00:02:57,687 --> 00:02:59,359
Tripwire?
49
00:02:59,407 --> 00:03:03,480
That's where he lined
the edge of his path with twine.
50
00:03:03,527 --> 00:03:06,485
Hah! Talk about paranoid.
51
00:03:06,527 --> 00:03:10,440
Anyway, it serves you right for trying
to take a short cut across his grass.
52
00:03:10,487 --> 00:03:12,603
lf you were looking
where you were going,
53
00:03:12,647 --> 00:03:17,323
instead of walking about with your nose
stuck in that video magazine...
54
00:03:17,367 --> 00:03:19,517
He's lighting a bonfire.
55
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:24,357
Quick, put some washing out, then
l can leave him a bloody Post-it Note.
56
00:03:30,727 --> 00:03:35,721
Oh, there's a letter for them. Somebody
got the wrong number evidently.
57
00:03:37,087 --> 00:03:38,918
Give that back here!
58
00:03:38,967 --> 00:03:40,958
For God's sake, Victor.
59
00:03:41,007 --> 00:03:43,965
l have had about enough of this,
l have, straight!
60
00:03:44,967 --> 00:03:47,242
Look. You can take this round to him,
61
00:03:47,287 --> 00:03:50,006
it'll give you a chance to apologise
to each other
62
00:03:50,047 --> 00:03:52,402
and bury the blasted hatchet,
the pair of you.
63
00:03:52,447 --> 00:03:55,803
Otherwise, l'm leaving home.
And l mean it.
64
00:03:55,847 --> 00:03:58,441
l'm not traipsing round there
like a message boy.
65
00:03:58,487 --> 00:04:01,365
lf he wants his mail,
he can come and get it.
66
00:04:12,567 --> 00:04:14,717
There, you wanted evidence, there it is.
67
00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:18,362
One diseased marigold stalk
covered in black fly.
68
00:04:18,407 --> 00:04:21,683
- Patrick!
- Smack in the middle of the floribunda.
69
00:04:21,727 --> 00:04:24,161
You're not going to tell me
it floated there?
70
00:04:24,207 --> 00:04:26,801
You always have to think
the worst of people.
71
00:04:26,847 --> 00:04:29,566
lt's no coincidence that these things
72
00:04:29,607 --> 00:04:32,917
only started raining down on our garden
last Monday
73
00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:36,880
after the World ln Action special
on biological warfare.
74
00:04:36,927 --> 00:04:39,487
Look at the mess
he wilfully made of our front path
75
00:04:39,527 --> 00:04:42,644
after l spent three hours
getting the bloody thing level.
76
00:04:42,687 --> 00:04:44,678
- (Sighs)
- Are you OK?
77
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:48,645
- Has it come yet?
- Just more bills.
78
00:04:48,687 --> 00:04:52,680
lt's academic anyway,
as far as l'm concerned.
79
00:04:52,727 --> 00:04:54,922
Do you have to keep writing
those things?
80
00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:57,435
The man is a cretin, dear,
of the highest order.
81
00:04:57,487 --> 00:05:00,638
l knew it the first time we went
to see him. He made us a cup of tea
82
00:05:00,687 --> 00:05:03,963
and then tried to force
us at knife-point to get into his bed.
83
00:05:04,007 --> 00:05:05,998
What planet is he from?
84
00:05:29,127 --> 00:05:31,436
- Yes?
- Oh, er...
85
00:05:31,487 --> 00:05:34,763
This letter came through our door by...
86
00:05:35,807 --> 00:05:38,116
Oh, right. Thank you.
87
00:05:41,047 --> 00:05:43,277
l um...
88
00:05:43,327 --> 00:05:44,999
Yes, Mr Meldrew?
89
00:05:47,207 --> 00:05:49,402
You're going to fill this in then, are you?
90
00:05:49,447 --> 00:05:52,803
No, l thought about leaving it,
like Hollywood Boulevard.
91
00:05:52,847 --> 00:05:56,123
The impressions of glittering
neighbours' faces in concrete.
92
00:05:56,167 --> 00:06:03,243
Oh, well. lt's nice to find you being
so reasonable about it all, l must say.
93
00:06:03,287 --> 00:06:07,200
Reasonable, Mr Meldrew?
l mean, what is reasonable these days?
94
00:06:07,247 --> 00:06:09,841
To find outside one's house,
l don't know,
95
00:06:09,887 --> 00:06:12,355
a pile of horse manure
covered in fairy lights?
96
00:06:12,407 --> 00:06:15,763
- Who's to say?
- What's that supposed to mean?
97
00:06:21,727 --> 00:06:26,039
By anyone's standards, it's not exactly
Sleeping Beauty's castle, is it?
98
00:06:26,087 --> 00:06:28,726
How long has it been there?
40 days and 40 nights?
99
00:06:28,767 --> 00:06:31,235
Three days and three nights,
since you ask.
100
00:06:31,287 --> 00:06:32,959
Funny, felt longer.
101
00:06:34,007 --> 00:06:36,282
At least it's clearly signposted,
102
00:06:36,327 --> 00:06:40,479
so people don't go accidentally
sprawling headfirst into it.
103
00:06:40,527 --> 00:06:42,245
ls that what they're there for?
104
00:06:42,287 --> 00:06:46,041
l thought it was some jubilee celebration
for the fertilizer industry.
105
00:06:46,087 --> 00:06:48,806
l don't have to justify my actions to you.
106
00:06:48,847 --> 00:06:50,803
Next time, pick up your own mail.
107
00:06:50,847 --> 00:06:56,638
And another thing, if l find one more of
those bloody stupid little yellow notes,
108
00:06:56,687 --> 00:06:59,326
l may not be responsible for my actions.
109
00:07:01,687 --> 00:07:03,564
Nice chatting with you, Mr Meldrew.
110
00:07:07,847 --> 00:07:09,838
(Music and applause on TV)
111
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,358
Crap!
112
00:07:17,727 --> 00:07:21,356
The state of British television today
can be summed up in two words -
113
00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:23,557
Jeremy Beadle.
114
00:07:24,567 --> 00:07:27,843
l'm ready for
that ham and mushroom now.
115
00:07:27,887 --> 00:07:32,836
lt's my belief that Paul Daniels and
Jeremy Beadle are the same person,
116
00:07:32,887 --> 00:07:35,196
like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
117
00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:37,203
Notice you never see them together.
118
00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:39,158
Which one's Mr Hyde?
119
00:07:39,207 --> 00:07:41,880
Which one do you think?
120
00:07:41,927 --> 00:07:44,999
Just imagine the horror
if they lost the antidote.
121
00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:48,164
They'd have to send in the mob
with burning torches.
122
00:07:48,207 --> 00:07:50,767
What the hell's this when it's at home?
123
00:07:52,287 --> 00:07:53,845
(Victor) Sorry?
124
00:07:53,887 --> 00:07:58,403
Dressing? lt's more like
an environmental disaster.
125
00:07:58,447 --> 00:08:00,358
lt never ceases to amaze me
126
00:08:00,407 --> 00:08:03,797
the things that people seem
to want to watch these days.
127
00:08:03,847 --> 00:08:06,566
When was it? Wednesday in the week.
128
00:08:06,607 --> 00:08:11,556
Thought l'd see that film about
the Kray brothers, kill a couple of hours.
129
00:08:11,607 --> 00:08:13,837
- Good, was it?
- lt was very good.
130
00:08:13,887 --> 00:08:18,358
lf you enjoy seeing people's hands being
secured to the pocket of a billiard table.
131
00:08:18,407 --> 00:08:22,161
Very good in the area
of people's eyes being gouged out.
132
00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:25,123
There l am, squirming in my seat.
133
00:08:25,167 --> 00:08:29,445
There's this young bimbo behind me,
cackling her head off.
134
00:08:29,487 --> 00:08:33,241
- Why didn't you just leave the cinema?
- Leave the cinema?
135
00:08:33,287 --> 00:08:36,563
l was sitting here
watching it on the video.
136
00:08:36,607 --> 00:08:41,283
Said her name was Cheryl, she'd just
called back for the cosmetics catalogue.
137
00:08:41,327 --> 00:08:45,843
Let herself in by the back door and
had been watching it over my shoulder.
138
00:08:45,887 --> 00:08:48,117
Then she'd the nerve
to ask me to spool back
139
00:08:48,167 --> 00:08:52,399
to the bit where the bloke has
his mouth sliced open with a sword.
140
00:08:52,447 --> 00:08:54,642
Said that was one of her favourite bits.
141
00:08:54,687 --> 00:08:59,886
That's the mentality of the people
trying to sell you pore-cleansing fluid.
142
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:03,123
What's that you're eating?
143
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:05,158
Sorry?
144
00:09:05,207 --> 00:09:08,404
Since when do l have this monstrosity?
145
00:09:09,407 --> 00:09:13,719
Sardines and hot chillis
with added pineapple.
146
00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:22,118
Oh, sorry.
147
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:33,395
God, it's like watching one of those
crushers on the back of a dustcart.
148
00:09:36,687 --> 00:09:38,564
Talking of Jeremy Beadle,
149
00:09:38,607 --> 00:09:43,681
l had three more complaints about that
horse manure when l was out today.
150
00:09:43,727 --> 00:09:47,083
Talk about getting up a petition about it
in the post office.
151
00:09:47,127 --> 00:09:50,881
lt's only a pile of horse manure,
it's not going to bite anyone.
152
00:09:50,927 --> 00:09:52,997
Said if it's there much longer,
153
00:09:53,047 --> 00:09:57,279
they'll have to start putting it
on the Ordnance Survey maps.
154
00:09:58,687 --> 00:10:01,042
No wonder you upset the neighbours.
155
00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:04,841
l don't understand why
it had to come here in the first place.
156
00:10:04,887 --> 00:10:08,243
Why couldn't he deliver it
to the allotment round the corner?
157
00:10:08,287 --> 00:10:11,085
He didn't speak very good English,
unfortunately.
158
00:10:11,127 --> 00:10:15,678
He'd only really mastered four words.
''Horse manure'' and ''20 quid''.
159
00:10:18,007 --> 00:10:21,363
He looked more East European
than anything else.
160
00:10:21,407 --> 00:10:23,398
l didn't like the look of him,
161
00:10:23,447 --> 00:10:27,360
walking round dressed
like Abraham Lincoln in gumboots.
162
00:10:27,407 --> 00:10:30,604
You buy horse manure
from any old Tom, Dick, or Harry,
163
00:10:30,647 --> 00:10:33,207
you don't know where it's been.
164
00:10:36,727 --> 00:10:41,198
Don't know where it's been?
You know exactly where it's been.
165
00:10:41,247 --> 00:10:42,919
Up a horse.
166
00:10:44,767 --> 00:10:48,555
l'll take it to the allotment tomorrow,
when l get back from the doctor,
167
00:10:48,607 --> 00:10:51,565
so the nation can sleep easy
in their beds again.
168
00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:54,519
Well, before you do,
you'd better take Patrick's advice
169
00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:58,037
- and oil that squeaky wheelbarrow.
- Yes.
170
00:10:58,087 --> 00:11:02,763
Well, never need to worry about
a squeaky salad, that's for sure.
171
00:11:05,607 --> 00:11:07,598
(Phone)
172
00:11:07,647 --> 00:11:09,638
(Babies cry)
173
00:11:12,127 --> 00:11:17,281
Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners.
Can l help you? ls it an emergency?
174
00:11:17,327 --> 00:11:20,797
Mrs Romiz to Dr Neeben. Mrs Romiz.
175
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:24,886
Friday at 10:20. Right, thank you. Bye.
176
00:11:24,927 --> 00:11:27,157
- Excuse me...
- One second, please.
177
00:11:27,207 --> 00:11:30,165
Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners.
Can l help you?
178
00:11:30,207 --> 00:11:34,200
l'm afraid he died last week in his sleep.
We did write to everyone.
179
00:11:34,247 --> 00:11:36,442
ls it an emergency?
180
00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:38,876
Oh, dear. Well, if it's hanging off,
181
00:11:38,927 --> 00:11:42,920
l think you'd best go up to casualty,
just to be on the safe side.
182
00:11:42,967 --> 00:11:46,801
Kevin Spybie for Dr Sesapeski.
Kevin Spybie.
183
00:11:46,847 --> 00:11:49,281
That's right. You're welcome. Bye.
184
00:11:49,327 --> 00:11:53,605
Sorry, sir. Watson, Kebble-Kepplit
and Partners. Can l help you?
185
00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:57,242
Mr Scottie to the treatment room,
Mr Scottie.
186
00:11:57,287 --> 00:12:00,962
Mrs Patterson for Dr Yip, Mrs Patterson.
187
00:12:01,007 --> 00:12:04,443
Right. Uh-huh. ls it an emergency?
188
00:12:05,447 --> 00:12:08,883
Tomorrow at four? OK, lovely. Bye.
189
00:12:08,927 --> 00:12:12,397
- Excuse me, please.
- Yes, sir. You're Mr...?
190
00:12:12,447 --> 00:12:14,915
Meldrew. l just tried to...
191
00:12:14,967 --> 00:12:17,162
Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners.
192
00:12:17,207 --> 00:12:22,122
l'm afraid Dr Kebble-Kepplit is on holiday
this week. ls it an emergency?
193
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:27,042
l've got a cancellation
for Dr Pondicherry at five.
194
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:32,757
Yes, you do. The one that looks
like Doberman in Sergeant Bilko.
195
00:12:32,807 --> 00:12:35,879
All right, if you'd rather. Bye.
196
00:12:35,927 --> 00:12:40,955
l've just come to pick up a prescription.
Victor Meldrew from Dr Snelgrove.
197
00:12:41,007 --> 00:12:44,283
Mr Chandrasekar to Dr Trilling,
Mr Chandrasekar.
198
00:12:44,327 --> 00:12:48,115
And Sharon Chumley to the treatment
room, Sharon Chumley.
199
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:50,442
Dr Snelgrove had to go to a wedding.
200
00:12:50,487 --> 00:12:54,162
l think we were passing
most of her patients to Dr Watson.
201
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:57,279
Where's he gone? To look for
the Hound of the Baskervilles?
202
00:12:57,327 --> 00:13:00,558
Might as well have Dr Doolittle,
or Dr Joseph Goebbels.
203
00:13:00,607 --> 00:13:04,725
l've got a note here, but l don't think
he's done your prescription yet.
204
00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:10,239
l'll just check for you. Naseem, did
that prescription come through at all?
205
00:13:10,287 --> 00:13:13,006
- For Mr Meldrew's haemorrhoids?
- (Phone)
206
00:13:13,047 --> 00:13:15,481
She's just checking for you, sir.
207
00:13:15,527 --> 00:13:18,917
Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners.
Can l help you?
208
00:13:20,447 --> 00:13:22,244
Sorry?
209
00:13:22,287 --> 00:13:25,324
Yes, he's standing right next to me
as a matter of fact.
210
00:13:25,367 --> 00:13:29,440
Somebody asking when you're going
to shift a pile of manure.
211
00:13:29,487 --> 00:13:32,001
ls it an emergency?
212
00:13:54,287 --> 00:13:57,085
Morning, Mrs Meldrew.
213
00:13:57,687 --> 00:14:00,281
- Morning.
- ls it me, or is it moist?
214
00:14:02,287 --> 00:14:03,959
Sorry?
215
00:14:04,007 --> 00:14:06,396
Oh, it is a bit on the humid side today.
216
00:14:07,407 --> 00:14:10,080
- Did you have a nice weekend?
- Lovely, thank you.
217
00:14:10,127 --> 00:14:13,085
- Where did you go to in the end?
- To hospital.
218
00:14:13,127 --> 00:14:15,402
l'm afraid
Granny took a turn for the worse,
219
00:14:15,447 --> 00:14:18,598
so l had to run Mother up there
on a sudden mercy dash.
220
00:14:18,647 --> 00:14:20,239
Which was a little fraught.
221
00:14:20,287 --> 00:14:23,563
Her wheelchair accidentally locked
into high-speed reverse
222
00:14:23,607 --> 00:14:26,883
and she went on a mystery tour
of the Clement Atlee wing.
223
00:14:27,607 --> 00:14:29,279
Took an hour and a half to find her
224
00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:32,364
and by then she'd gate-crashed
three hysterectomies,
225
00:14:32,407 --> 00:14:34,318
so a bit of a day, all in all.
226
00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:37,279
So how is your grandmother now?
227
00:14:37,327 --> 00:14:40,239
Not giving any cause for concern
or anything?
228
00:14:40,287 --> 00:14:43,199
Oh, no, no. Not now she's dead.
229
00:14:44,887 --> 00:14:49,722
Well, she was 93 and they reckon
it was a broken bone that finally did it.
230
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:52,122
Oh, dear.
231
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:54,601
Didn't know
you could die of a broken bone.
232
00:14:54,647 --> 00:14:58,196
Well, you can when it's stuck
in your windpipe, apparently.
233
00:14:58,247 --> 00:15:01,842
She was always a great one
for gnawing on chicken carcasses.
234
00:15:01,887 --> 00:15:04,321
lt's just one of those things, l suppose.
235
00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:09,600
Funeral's tomorrow. Don't think Mother's
looking forward to it. Are you, Mother?
236
00:15:09,647 --> 00:15:13,242
Mrs Meldrew said she was very sorry
to hear the tragic news.
237
00:15:14,327 --> 00:15:17,717
How's Mr Meldrew? Getting on all right
with his new allotment?
238
00:15:17,767 --> 00:15:21,601
Funny, l always think about it when
l pass his horse manure in the mornings.
239
00:15:21,647 --> 00:15:23,638
Oh, yes.
240
00:15:23,687 --> 00:15:26,724
Yes, he seems to be getting
quite into it now.
241
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:29,156
Given him a bit of interest in life at last.
242
00:15:30,167 --> 00:15:33,955
l'm sorry, Mr Swainey, you'll have to
excuse me. l've got some potatoes on.
243
00:15:34,007 --> 00:15:35,759
Oh, no, don't let them spoil.
244
00:15:35,807 --> 00:15:40,801
l'm very sorry about your grandmother
and...l must dash.
245
00:15:40,847 --> 00:15:42,838
See you, Mrs Meldrew.
246
00:15:44,567 --> 00:15:47,240
Where have you been? Timbuktu?
247
00:15:47,287 --> 00:15:50,916
Don't! An hour and a bloody quarter
l had to wait in that bloody place
248
00:15:50,967 --> 00:15:52,798
for a simple repeat prescription.
249
00:15:52,847 --> 00:15:55,884
l haven't had a chance
to get to the chemist's.
250
00:15:55,927 --> 00:15:57,918
Could you get it when you're out?
251
00:15:57,967 --> 00:16:02,199
lf l don't move that manure,
they'll be lynching me from a lamppost.
252
00:16:02,247 --> 00:16:03,646
Wonderful, isn't it?
253
00:16:03,687 --> 00:16:07,202
The health service is at breaking point,
three million unemployed,
254
00:16:07,247 --> 00:16:10,319
you'd think people would find
better things to moan about.
255
00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:11,925
(Sizzling)
256
00:16:11,967 --> 00:16:13,958
ls something burning in here?
257
00:16:17,527 --> 00:16:19,324
(Squeaking)
258
00:17:18,607 --> 00:17:20,563
Afternoon.
259
00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:22,916
Mr Meldrew, is it?
260
00:17:22,967 --> 00:17:24,195
Yes.
261
00:17:24,247 --> 00:17:26,238
l won't shake hands.
262
00:17:26,287 --> 00:17:29,802
Dr Mervin Mile.
l believe you were expecting me.
263
00:17:29,847 --> 00:17:34,602
- Sorry?
- l need to carry out a couple of tests.
264
00:17:34,647 --> 00:17:36,205
lt won't take a jiffy.
265
00:17:38,607 --> 00:17:41,485
What? ln the middle of an allotment?
266
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:44,485
Got a couple of ticks, have you?
267
00:17:45,487 --> 00:17:48,718
l haven't, no.
They found my prescription in the end,
268
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:52,157
in a copy of Smash Hits
on the waiting room table.
269
00:17:52,207 --> 00:17:55,643
No, no, no, Mr Meldrew,
l'm not that sort of doctor.
270
00:17:55,687 --> 00:17:57,678
l'm from the Borough Council.
271
00:17:57,727 --> 00:18:00,480
Health And Public Safety Department.
272
00:18:00,527 --> 00:18:03,360
l thought my office
had already contacted you.
273
00:18:03,407 --> 00:18:05,523
About what?
274
00:18:05,567 --> 00:18:09,924
Nothing you need concern yourself
about, Mr Meldrew. Nothing at all.
275
00:18:09,967 --> 00:18:13,516
Now then, this is the manure here, is it?
276
00:18:18,487 --> 00:18:20,682
What are you doing?
277
00:18:20,727 --> 00:18:23,639
You bought this
from a gentleman last week, l gather?
278
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:27,362
Black beard, long black coat,
bit of a foreign accent?
279
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:30,046
Yes. What about it? What's the problem?
280
00:18:32,127 --> 00:18:36,882
For goodness' sake, tell me,
what's wrong with my horse manure?
281
00:18:36,927 --> 00:18:41,717
Don't be silly, Margaret. l was just doing
a stocktake on my vitamins.
282
00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:46,522
Patrick's at work, so,
no, it's very convenient.
283
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:50,564
l just thought l ought to make amends.
284
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:52,916
Oh, you don't have to.
285
00:18:52,967 --> 00:18:56,243
Mine's as bad. They deserve each other.
286
00:18:56,287 --> 00:19:00,599
You'd think two fully-grown men would
be more tolerant, more forgiving.
287
00:19:00,647 --> 00:19:02,239
Would you?
288
00:19:02,287 --> 00:19:04,755
No. l suppose you wouldn't really.
289
00:19:08,367 --> 00:19:10,278
You swear by all this, do you?
290
00:19:10,327 --> 00:19:12,557
Oh, that's Patrick's ginseng.
291
00:19:12,607 --> 00:19:16,600
He takes it to reverse
the ageing process.
292
00:19:16,647 --> 00:19:18,239
Does it work?
293
00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:21,563
Well, in that he's acting
like a five-year-old...
294
00:19:22,567 --> 00:19:26,003
Course, he's always had
a childish side to his nature,
295
00:19:26,047 --> 00:19:29,244
except when he was a child,
oddly enough.
296
00:19:29,287 --> 00:19:32,245
l don't know what to do
about him and Victor.
297
00:19:32,287 --> 00:19:36,405
lt's one thing to call someone a tosspot
to their face,
298
00:19:36,447 --> 00:19:41,726
but when you go to the lengths of having
it iced on a Thorntons Easter egg,
299
00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:45,077
l think it's got beyond a joke.
300
00:19:46,847 --> 00:19:49,805
He did put a card in the post as well.
301
00:19:49,847 --> 00:19:55,399
No name or address on the envelope,
just the words 'To that cretin in the cap.'
302
00:19:56,407 --> 00:19:59,240
l suppose it helped him
to let off steam at the time.
303
00:19:59,287 --> 00:20:00,402
Yes.
304
00:20:00,447 --> 00:20:03,007
The irony is, we received it.
305
00:20:04,007 --> 00:20:06,965
About the quickest
a letter's ever got to us, l think.
306
00:20:07,007 --> 00:20:08,998
There we are.
307
00:20:09,047 --> 00:20:12,801
Get that down your neck,
soothe away all your troubles.
308
00:20:12,847 --> 00:20:16,317
Camomile, tilia, lemongrass and jasmine.
309
00:20:17,327 --> 00:20:19,602
Mind, it's a bit hot.
310
00:20:19,647 --> 00:20:22,241
Maybe Victor could do
with dietary supplements.
311
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:27,964
- What sort of things does he eat?
- Anything, of any sort or description.
312
00:20:28,007 --> 00:20:31,761
ln the most hideous
and disgusting combinations.
313
00:20:31,807 --> 00:20:34,321
Food you wouldn't put
in the same cupboard,
314
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:37,439
he would happily slice up together
on his Weetabix.
315
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:42,117
lt's like watching nonstop junk mail
going through a letter box.
316
00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:44,397
l think he lost
all sense of taste years ago.
317
00:20:44,447 --> 00:20:46,517
- Stomach like a bin liner?
- Mm.
318
00:20:46,567 --> 00:20:50,003
This is nice.
You get this at the health-food shop?
319
00:20:50,047 --> 00:20:53,756
Two spoonfuls to calm you down,
three and you sleep like a top.
320
00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:57,327
God, you're well stocked up.
321
00:20:57,367 --> 00:21:00,996
Well, need all the vitamins l can get
from now on, l'm afraid.
322
00:21:01,047 --> 00:21:02,878
Why's that?
323
00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:05,161
Pippa!
324
00:21:05,207 --> 00:21:07,641
lron, zinc, magnesium.
325
00:21:07,687 --> 00:21:10,281
Patrick's got this vision
of the doctor saying,
326
00:21:10,327 --> 00:21:14,286
''Congratulations, it's Metal Mickey!''
327
00:21:15,287 --> 00:21:18,723
You must be thrilled. Congratulations.
328
00:21:18,767 --> 00:21:24,399
Well, l'm not sure thrilled is the word.
lt wasn't exactly planned.
329
00:21:24,447 --> 00:21:28,076
l know l'm supposed to be
all glowing and maternal,
330
00:21:28,127 --> 00:21:31,244
but when you look round
at the state of things,
331
00:21:31,287 --> 00:21:35,200
l don't think life is something
l'd wish on my worst enemy.
332
00:21:36,207 --> 00:21:39,324
And you never know
what you're bringing into the world.
333
00:21:39,367 --> 00:21:42,723
Look at the people
who started out as babies.
334
00:21:43,727 --> 00:21:47,925
Hitler, Dr Crippen.
335
00:21:47,967 --> 00:21:52,006
Oh, you wait till it's born.
lt'll be a treasure.
336
00:21:52,047 --> 00:21:55,357
You just wonder these days
what kind of a start that is in life,
337
00:21:55,407 --> 00:21:57,682
to be the child of a bus driver.
338
00:21:57,727 --> 00:22:00,116
l did think about packing it in.
339
00:22:00,167 --> 00:22:04,877
But Patrick said he could always work
more from home and look after it for me,
340
00:22:04,927 --> 00:22:07,282
the way his business
has been going lately.
341
00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:11,161
You've just got your
postnatal depression a bit early.
342
00:22:11,207 --> 00:22:15,166
lt'll be the most wonderful that
ever happened. You won't want to stop.
343
00:22:15,207 --> 00:22:17,960
Well, we'll see, l suppose.
344
00:22:18,007 --> 00:22:20,316
Have some more tea.
345
00:22:21,647 --> 00:22:23,638
(Crackling)
346
00:22:26,607 --> 00:22:31,044
No, no, no, no. Nothing to worry
about here, Mr Meldrew.
347
00:22:31,087 --> 00:22:32,679
You can rest assured of that.
348
00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:35,161
Stop telling me
l've nothing to worry about,
349
00:22:35,207 --> 00:22:37,846
you're making me extremely worried.
350
00:22:37,887 --> 00:22:39,605
What's all this about?
351
00:22:39,647 --> 00:22:41,797
No danger of gamma rays, or anything.
352
00:22:41,847 --> 00:22:44,998
You can put your mind at rest
on that one.
353
00:22:45,047 --> 00:22:48,005
Gamma rays?
354
00:22:48,047 --> 00:22:52,837
lt makes you wonder how these cowboys
get hold of the ruddy stuff, doesn't it?
355
00:22:52,887 --> 00:22:58,041
l don't know. Course, the stables have
all been closed down for the time being.
356
00:22:58,087 --> 00:23:01,602
They're not certain the contamination
levels were significant,
357
00:23:01,647 --> 00:23:06,163
but you can't be too careful when you're
next to a nuclear reactor plant, can you?
358
00:23:06,207 --> 00:23:09,438
All this is just by way
of a precaution really.
359
00:23:09,487 --> 00:23:11,478
Nuclear reactor plant?
360
00:23:11,527 --> 00:23:14,803
What contamination levels?
Contamination levels of what?
361
00:23:14,847 --> 00:23:20,285
By rights, all this manure should've been
seized by the Ministry of Agriculture.
362
00:23:20,327 --> 00:23:25,196
Not driven halfway across the country
so any idiot could just buy the...
363
00:23:25,247 --> 00:23:27,681
- What is it?
- Look at that.
364
00:23:27,727 --> 00:23:29,957
Where the hell did that come from?
365
00:23:30,007 --> 00:23:34,000
Looks like a piece of fairy light
off a Christmas tree.
366
00:23:34,047 --> 00:23:37,517
What are you trying to tell me?
ls it dangerous?
367
00:23:37,567 --> 00:23:39,558
Oh, no, no, no.
368
00:23:39,607 --> 00:23:43,282
You're talking a mere
4.3 micro-microcuries.
369
00:23:43,327 --> 00:23:45,761
- Am l?
- Oh, yes.
370
00:23:45,807 --> 00:23:49,720
Well below permitted levels.
Well below permitted levels.
371
00:23:49,767 --> 00:23:52,042
Although still more than normal.
372
00:23:52,087 --> 00:23:54,362
Right, as l say,
373
00:23:54,407 --> 00:23:58,685
there's nothing you should concern
yourself about here, Mr Meldrew.
374
00:23:58,727 --> 00:24:00,445
Have a Mars bar.
375
00:24:02,647 --> 00:24:06,560
''Have a Mars bar?''
What kind of advice is that?
376
00:24:06,607 --> 00:24:11,203
l'm standing here with an allotment
covered in radioactive horse shit
377
00:24:11,247 --> 00:24:13,522
and all you can say is,
''Have a Mars bar''?
378
00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:19,364
What am l supposed to do now,
for God's sake?
379
00:24:19,407 --> 00:24:21,841
Well, if l were you,
l'd forget all about it.
380
00:24:21,887 --> 00:24:25,562
- Would you?
- Yeah. lt really isn't significant.
381
00:24:25,607 --> 00:24:29,759
lt's just it's our duty to check up
on these things, that's all.
382
00:24:31,607 --> 00:24:34,280
Are you absolutely positive it's safe?
383
00:24:35,327 --> 00:24:39,878
The radiation levels
are absolutely miniscule, Mr Meldrew.
384
00:24:39,927 --> 00:24:43,840
- Look, you see this digital watch?
- Yes.
385
00:24:43,887 --> 00:24:48,278
l can get you one of these at half price,
if you're interested.
386
00:24:48,327 --> 00:24:50,795
A mate brings them in
from the Continent at cost.
387
00:24:50,847 --> 00:24:52,644
There's a ladies' model too.
388
00:24:52,687 --> 00:24:54,484
Think about it and give me a ring.
389
00:24:55,487 --> 00:24:58,638
Well, bye, then, Mr Meldrew.
390
00:24:58,687 --> 00:25:00,996
Oh, for God's sake, stop worrying.
391
00:25:01,047 --> 00:25:04,039
You'll end up a complete nervous wreck.
392
00:25:04,087 --> 00:25:06,078
Yes, right.
393
00:25:06,127 --> 00:25:07,958
Stop worrying.
394
00:25:10,007 --> 00:25:14,558
l'm never buying anything from anyone
who comes to the door ever again.
395
00:25:14,607 --> 00:25:17,246
- Said that would happen, didn't l?
- What?
396
00:25:17,287 --> 00:25:19,403
lf you cut your nails on a Sunday.
397
00:25:20,407 --> 00:25:22,523
Yes. l distinctly remember you saying,
398
00:25:22,567 --> 00:25:26,845
''Watch out, someone's going to palm
you off with radioactive horse droppings
399
00:25:26,887 --> 00:25:30,357
''from the Sizewell B Riding Academy.''
lt happens every day.
400
00:25:30,407 --> 00:25:32,398
l said you'd have bad luck.
401
00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:35,318
When do l have good luck?
402
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:37,756
He said
there was nothing to worry about,
403
00:25:37,807 --> 00:25:40,799
- so what are you worried about?
- What am l worried about?
404
00:25:40,847 --> 00:25:44,044
That the hairs are going to fall
out of my gooseberries.
405
00:25:44,087 --> 00:25:45,998
Don't know what it could lead to.
406
00:25:46,047 --> 00:25:50,199
l'd already forked in three
wheelbarrowfuls when he arrived.
407
00:25:50,247 --> 00:25:55,765
l just don't know why everything you do
has to end up as a three-act bloody...
408
00:25:59,127 --> 00:26:01,436
What the bloody hell's this?
409
00:26:01,487 --> 00:26:06,800
That is my hairstyling mousse,
when you've quite finished!
410
00:26:08,967 --> 00:26:13,677
- Should be more clearly marked.
- You'll be more clearly marked soon.
411
00:26:26,327 --> 00:26:28,318
Pippa's having a baby.
412
00:26:29,367 --> 00:26:31,676
Pippa is?
413
00:26:31,727 --> 00:26:33,524
Why is that so strange?
414
00:26:33,567 --> 00:26:35,876
l didn't think she had room for one.
415
00:26:40,407 --> 00:26:42,398
What's that supposed to mean?
416
00:26:42,447 --> 00:26:46,838
l mean, don't they use
their spare bedroom as an office?
417
00:26:46,887 --> 00:26:49,924
She admitted it wasn't exactly planned.
418
00:26:50,927 --> 00:26:53,760
Seems a bit down in the dumps
about it at the moment.
419
00:26:53,807 --> 00:26:55,559
l'm sure that'll pass.
420
00:26:55,607 --> 00:26:59,122
Must be a bit of a worry,
when you stop to think about it.
421
00:26:59,167 --> 00:27:01,476
What you might be unleashing
on the world.
422
00:27:01,527 --> 00:27:05,122
Could grow up into anything,
could be one of the Kray brothers.
423
00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:07,158
Or Jeremy Beadle.
424
00:27:11,007 --> 00:27:14,204
One more noise to worry about
on a Sunday, l suppose.
425
00:27:14,247 --> 00:27:17,557
- l suppose so.
- Right, that's me.
426
00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:22,243
- You were an accident.
- Yes, l expect so.
427
00:27:22,287 --> 00:27:26,565
- l brought you a glass of water up.
- Right, thanks!
428
00:27:31,567 --> 00:27:33,558
What did you say?
429
00:27:33,607 --> 00:27:36,360
- When?
- You said l was an accident.
430
00:27:37,767 --> 00:27:40,156
- What about it?
- Who told you that?
431
00:27:40,207 --> 00:27:43,279
Your father told me
at our wedding reception.
432
00:27:43,327 --> 00:27:45,841
Said you were
a complete and total mistake,
433
00:27:45,887 --> 00:27:50,677
the result of a careless oversight
on their first night in Skegness.
434
00:27:52,687 --> 00:27:55,804
No one's said anything to me
about that before.
435
00:27:55,847 --> 00:27:58,486
lt's not the sort of thing you tell a child,
is it?
436
00:27:58,527 --> 00:28:00,597
Once you're born, you're born.
437
00:28:00,647 --> 00:28:03,719
- He said l wasn't planned in any way?
- No.
438
00:28:03,767 --> 00:28:06,406
You were a complete and total surprise.
439
00:28:06,447 --> 00:28:09,166
Your mum was hoping
for a new gas cooker.
440
00:28:11,447 --> 00:28:15,679
Like everything else in life,
l suppose, you make do in the end.
441
00:28:17,207 --> 00:28:19,198
l suppose, yes.
442
00:28:20,207 --> 00:28:24,997
Oh, can't remember whether l locked
the back door. Will you check?
443
00:28:26,007 --> 00:28:27,998
Yes, all right.
444
00:28:48,567 --> 00:28:50,398
Victor?
445
00:28:51,207 --> 00:28:53,402
You haven't been...?
446
00:28:53,447 --> 00:28:59,238
Oh, God, no!
447
00:29:00,847 --> 00:29:04,476
Right, no, no.
Thank you very much, Mrs Meldrew.
448
00:29:04,527 --> 00:29:07,325
l'm... l'll see you, Patrick.
449
00:29:08,367 --> 00:29:10,517
Yes, l expect you will.
450
00:29:17,807 --> 00:29:20,958
Well, the saga continues.
451
00:29:21,007 --> 00:29:24,317
At least there's never a dull moment
living next door to those two.
452
00:29:24,367 --> 00:29:25,720
You on the moan again?
453
00:29:25,767 --> 00:29:28,406
On the positive side,
that mystery's cleared up.
454
00:29:28,447 --> 00:29:31,280
- What is?
- The mystery of my missing ginseng.
455
00:29:31,327 --> 00:29:35,115
- l'd been hunting high and low for them.
- Where were they?
456
00:29:35,167 --> 00:29:38,443
Mr Meldrew had been sticking them
up his bottom.
457
00:29:42,407 --> 00:29:44,398
l beg your pardon?
458
00:29:44,447 --> 00:29:46,438
Yes, apparently.
459
00:29:46,487 --> 00:29:51,436
l looked in most places. l think it's fair
to say l didn't dream of looking there.
460
00:29:51,487 --> 00:29:53,637
What are you talking about?
461
00:29:53,687 --> 00:29:57,839
l don't know why l'm so surprised. The
man seems capable of virtually anything.
462
00:29:57,887 --> 00:30:00,162
But how did he get hold of them?
463
00:30:00,207 --> 00:30:03,119
How he got hold of them,
l'd rather not contemplate.
464
00:30:03,167 --> 00:30:06,284
Between his thumb and forefinger
presumably.
465
00:30:06,327 --> 00:30:09,205
Beyond that, the image
is too horrific to think about.
466
00:30:09,247 --> 00:30:12,125
Margaret was fiddling about with them
on this table.
467
00:30:12,167 --> 00:30:13,919
They must've fallen in her bag.
468
00:30:13,967 --> 00:30:17,403
She said she'd been to the chemist
to pick up a prescription.
469
00:30:17,447 --> 00:30:20,644
So he must've put... Oh, dear.
470
00:30:20,687 --> 00:30:22,678
What are we supposed to do?
471
00:30:22,727 --> 00:30:26,197
Put a statutory notice on the side
of every bottle of vitamin pills?
472
00:30:26,247 --> 00:30:30,479
''Caution. This product should not be
shoved up Victor Meldrew's rectum?''
473
00:30:30,527 --> 00:30:34,315
- You're not throwing the rest away?
- They've lost their appeal.
474
00:30:34,367 --> 00:30:35,846
Can't imagine why.
475
00:30:35,887 --> 00:30:39,402
l'll have a word with her.
l was going round there anyway.
476
00:30:39,447 --> 00:30:42,484
Unbelievable. Unbelievable!
477
00:30:43,527 --> 00:30:45,518
(Sighs)
478
00:30:53,327 --> 00:30:54,885
(Knock at door)
479
00:30:55,887 --> 00:30:57,878
- Hello.
- Pippa, hello.
480
00:30:59,807 --> 00:31:03,595
l'm sorry. l'm afraid
that didn't improve matters, did it?
481
00:31:03,647 --> 00:31:06,002
Don't worry about it. Are you just off?
482
00:31:06,047 --> 00:31:09,278
ln a minute or two.
Got to earn a few more pennies.
483
00:31:09,327 --> 00:31:11,045
What's that?
484
00:31:11,087 --> 00:31:15,205
Well, l was down there first thing and
remembering how much you liked it, so...
485
00:31:15,247 --> 00:31:18,523
Oh, Pippa, thanks so much.
How much do l owe you?
486
00:31:18,567 --> 00:31:22,082
Don't be daft. Remember,
it's very relaxing last thing at night.
487
00:31:22,127 --> 00:31:25,119
Good if you suffer with
tossing and turning in your sleep.
488
00:31:25,167 --> 00:31:28,477
Victor does the tossing and turning,
l suffer.
489
00:31:28,527 --> 00:31:32,600
Like a whirling dervish, the way
he wraps those sheets round himself.
490
00:31:32,647 --> 00:31:37,243
l lie there freezing to death next to this
Egyptian mummy snoring his head off.
491
00:31:37,287 --> 00:31:39,847
- Human corkscrew?
- Hm.
492
00:31:39,887 --> 00:31:42,447
Anyway, we'll certainly give it a try.
493
00:31:42,487 --> 00:31:47,163
- How are you feeling today? Any better?
- Mood comes and goes, you know.
494
00:31:47,207 --> 00:31:50,563
Got to look lively myself.
See you later, probably.
495
00:31:50,607 --> 00:31:52,598
Thanks a lot, Pippa. Bye!
496
00:31:58,287 --> 00:32:00,278
(Doorbell)
497
00:32:07,327 --> 00:32:09,636
- Oh, Mr Swainey.
- Morning, Mrs Meldrew.
498
00:32:09,687 --> 00:32:11,678
Come in.
499
00:32:11,727 --> 00:32:15,083
How did it go?
Oh, you're looking a bit peaky.
500
00:32:15,127 --> 00:32:19,120
Not to be wondered at, l suppose.
Were there many there?
501
00:32:19,167 --> 00:32:22,045
Not really. Six of us, counting the corpse.
502
00:32:23,167 --> 00:32:27,558
l wanted to thank you for the flowers. We
were both touched, Mother especially.
503
00:32:27,607 --> 00:32:28,926
How is she?
504
00:32:28,967 --> 00:32:32,926
Well, she spent most of the service
crying and blowing her nose.
505
00:32:32,967 --> 00:32:36,596
lt was a bit like hearing Abide With Me
being played on the tuba.
506
00:32:36,647 --> 00:32:38,922
Then she started getting her prickly heat,
507
00:32:38,967 --> 00:32:42,846
so l've just wheeled her back indoors
to cool down a bit.
508
00:32:42,887 --> 00:32:46,926
Would you like a cup of tea? This is
herbal, supposed to be very soothing.
509
00:32:46,967 --> 00:32:49,322
No, thanks.
Auntie Min is on the back seat
510
00:32:49,367 --> 00:32:52,200
and she'll be itching
to get back to her slug gun.
511
00:32:52,247 --> 00:32:54,203
Oh, right.
512
00:32:55,167 --> 00:32:58,159
- l'm going to miss my bus.
- Are you going to the shop?
513
00:32:58,207 --> 00:33:01,802
- l'll drop you, l'm going past.
- Are you sure? That would save my life.
514
00:33:01,847 --> 00:33:04,805
l won't be a tick, l'll just get my purse.
515
00:33:20,847 --> 00:33:23,645
- Morning, Mr Meldrew.
- Morning. How are you?
516
00:33:23,687 --> 00:33:25,200
Are you all right?
517
00:33:25,247 --> 00:33:27,715
Just the worry of Mother, l suppose.
518
00:33:28,727 --> 00:33:32,640
Always knocks you for six, doesn't it,
a death in the family?
519
00:33:32,687 --> 00:33:34,484
Oh.
520
00:33:36,367 --> 00:33:39,723
Oh, dear, l didn't know about this.
When did this happen?
521
00:33:39,767 --> 00:33:41,280
Sorry?
522
00:33:41,327 --> 00:33:45,320
- When did she die?
- Oh, on Sunday, 6:30 at the hospital.
523
00:33:45,367 --> 00:33:48,837
l didn't know she'd been taken up there.
524
00:33:48,887 --> 00:33:50,605
Who?
525
00:33:51,647 --> 00:33:56,038
- Your mother.
- Oh, yeah. Took her up in the afternoon,
526
00:33:56,087 --> 00:33:58,647
no sooner got her up there
than we lost her.
527
00:33:58,687 --> 00:34:01,406
- Didn't Mrs Meldrew tell you?
- She didn't, no.
528
00:34:01,447 --> 00:34:04,962
lt's all been a pretty gruelling experience.
529
00:34:05,007 --> 00:34:08,682
l've just got back with her
from the crematorium, actually.
530
00:34:12,407 --> 00:34:13,806
Really?
531
00:34:13,847 --> 00:34:18,125
l was telling Mrs Meldrew, she's still
a bit on the hot side, unfortunately.
532
00:34:21,047 --> 00:34:23,277
ls she? Yes.
533
00:34:23,327 --> 00:34:25,841
Take a while to cool down, l expect.
534
00:34:25,887 --> 00:34:28,481
l expect, yes.
535
00:34:31,487 --> 00:34:34,320
l said l'd give your wife a lift in,
it's on my way.
536
00:34:34,367 --> 00:34:38,201
You couldn't do me a favour
and keep an eye on Mother for me?
537
00:34:38,247 --> 00:34:42,763
lt's just the thought of leaving her
on her own. Do you know what l mean?
538
00:34:45,927 --> 00:34:48,646
No, no. Right.
539
00:34:48,687 --> 00:34:51,406
- Ready when you are!
- Coming, Mrs Meldrew.
540
00:34:51,447 --> 00:34:55,281
See you later then
and thanks very much, l appreciate it.
541
00:34:55,327 --> 00:34:57,966
- (Margaret) Bye, Victor!
- Bye, then!
542
00:35:10,807 --> 00:35:12,798
(Gasps)
543
00:35:30,367 --> 00:35:33,404
- (Phone)
- Oh! Oh, my God!
544
00:35:37,247 --> 00:35:39,203
Yes?
545
00:35:39,247 --> 00:35:41,636
What?
546
00:35:41,687 --> 00:35:46,602
No, l bloody well don't want
to subscribe to Which? Bugger off!
547
00:35:46,647 --> 00:35:48,638
Oh!
548
00:35:50,487 --> 00:35:52,478
l don't believe it.
549
00:36:19,087 --> 00:36:21,078
(Vacuum cleaner whirs)
550
00:37:06,767 --> 00:37:09,235
You'll remember to get those chops,
won't you?
551
00:37:09,287 --> 00:37:13,405
lt's Sarah's leaving do at lunch time,
so l doubt l'll get the chance.
552
00:37:13,447 --> 00:37:15,677
This is an interesting one.
553
00:37:15,727 --> 00:37:20,847
He's just come outside and unravelled
six toilet rolls into a cast-iron skillet.
554
00:37:20,887 --> 00:37:23,321
He's scrunched them up
and set fire to them.
555
00:37:23,367 --> 00:37:26,279
Patrick, will you come away
from that bloody window?
556
00:37:26,327 --> 00:37:30,081
He's sprinkling Mazola cooking oil
all over them to make them burn.
557
00:37:30,127 --> 00:37:32,118
l don't believe this.
558
00:37:32,167 --> 00:37:35,762
He's mashing up all the ashes
with the end of a rolling pin.
559
00:37:35,807 --> 00:37:39,846
- Like a mortar and pestle.
- Yes, l dare say he is.
560
00:37:39,887 --> 00:37:41,878
Where are the car keys?
561
00:37:43,207 --> 00:37:45,675
What do you mean,
''Yes, l daresay he is''?
562
00:37:45,727 --> 00:37:47,558
What sort of remark is that?
563
00:37:47,607 --> 00:37:50,724
Talk about being anally fixated, my God.
564
00:37:50,767 --> 00:37:53,520
- You say he's normal?
- l never said he was normal.
565
00:37:53,567 --> 00:37:56,923
You're not telling me these are
the actions of a sane human being.
566
00:37:56,967 --> 00:38:00,243
- The man must be shot to buggery.
- Did you hear me?
567
00:38:00,287 --> 00:38:03,597
- You're getting the chops.
- Yes, l heard you.
568
00:38:04,607 --> 00:38:06,837
Right, l'll see you tonight then.
569
00:38:12,527 --> 00:38:14,358
Mad as a bloody March hare.
570
00:38:14,407 --> 00:38:18,525
l wonder
if we could get him certified on BUPA.
571
00:38:19,527 --> 00:38:23,156
Where have you been?
Your meal's nearly ready.
572
00:38:23,207 --> 00:38:26,597
l suddenly realised it was the last day
to pay the video rental.
573
00:38:26,647 --> 00:38:28,558
There was a queue a mile long up there.
574
00:38:28,607 --> 00:38:32,316
l get back to the car and find out
she had tapped in the wrong amount.
575
00:38:32,367 --> 00:38:35,325
l had to go traipsing
all the way back again.
576
00:38:36,527 --> 00:38:39,325
Where is it? Has he taken it?
577
00:38:39,367 --> 00:38:41,358
Has who taken what?
578
00:38:41,407 --> 00:38:43,398
Evidently.
579
00:38:43,447 --> 00:38:47,998
Can you imagine bringing something
like that into someone else's house?
580
00:38:48,047 --> 00:38:50,561
Don't suppose he'll notice the difference.
581
00:38:50,607 --> 00:38:54,919
What are you rabbiting about? Do you
want toasted buns, or use up the stale?
582
00:38:54,967 --> 00:38:57,686
Use up the stale, it'll be fine for toast.
583
00:38:57,727 --> 00:39:00,605
Ah, do my ears deceive me,
584
00:39:00,647 --> 00:39:06,085
or is that the rumble of the Tuesday
night paper shredder chattering into life?
585
00:39:07,127 --> 00:39:09,357
Ah, yes, here it comes.
586
00:39:10,367 --> 00:39:15,077
All the local news
straight off the presses.
587
00:39:16,087 --> 00:39:20,922
l don't know why they don't just print it
on confetti and be done with it.
588
00:39:22,247 --> 00:39:24,238
Where is it?
589
00:39:25,247 --> 00:39:28,842
''Your Problems Answered
by Mimsy Birkovitz.''
590
00:39:30,647 --> 00:39:32,239
''Dear Mimsy,
591
00:39:32,287 --> 00:39:36,280
''l wonder if l am unusual
in only having one eyebrow.
592
00:39:36,327 --> 00:39:39,558
''lt stretches over both my eyes
and the top of my nose,
593
00:39:39,607 --> 00:39:41,518
''giving me the appearance of
594
00:39:41,567 --> 00:39:45,879
''someone with a nine-inch caterpillar
crawling across their face.''
595
00:39:46,927 --> 00:39:49,680
l don't believe some of these.
596
00:39:49,727 --> 00:39:51,718
Listen to this one.
597
00:39:51,767 --> 00:39:56,238
''Dear Wife At Her Wit's End,
please stop worrying.
598
00:39:56,287 --> 00:39:59,802
''l assure you, it is not possible
to catch venereal disease
599
00:39:59,847 --> 00:40:02,725
''from underpants
bought at a jumble sale.''
600
00:40:06,167 --> 00:40:09,796
- l'm dishing up now, all right?
- Yes, right.
601
00:40:13,887 --> 00:40:16,845
l don't believe it. Look at this.
602
00:40:19,327 --> 00:40:22,080
- Look at what?
- Look at this headline.
603
00:40:22,127 --> 00:40:25,597
''Gardeners Reel
At Doomsday Dung Horror.''
604
00:40:26,607 --> 00:40:30,395
''Dozens of elderly gardeners
were today being treated for shock
605
00:40:30,447 --> 00:40:33,564
''after learning
that radioactive horse manure
606
00:40:33,607 --> 00:40:38,237
''had been dumped in an allotment
close to where they work.
607
00:40:38,287 --> 00:40:42,963
''Although a local health official said
the material had been declared safe,
608
00:40:43,007 --> 00:40:47,125
''a wave of panic has already set
in amongst local allotment holders,
609
00:40:47,167 --> 00:40:52,161
''sparking fears of mutant parsnips
and giant stampeding earthworms,
610
00:40:52,207 --> 00:40:55,597
''as depicted in
the science-fiction film Tremors.
611
00:40:55,647 --> 00:40:59,799
''Said 70-year-old Mr Horace Tring
of Khartoum Terrace,
612
00:40:59,847 --> 00:41:02,964
'''This is Three Mile lsland
all over again.'
613
00:41:04,407 --> 00:41:06,079
''Mean...'' (Gasps)
614
00:41:06,127 --> 00:41:12,965
''Meanwhile, the spreader of the
Doomsday Dung, Mr Victor Meldrew, 61 ,
615
00:41:13,007 --> 00:41:15,441
''had this morning gone to ground...''
616
00:41:15,487 --> 00:41:18,479
Gone to ground? l'd gone to Gateway.
617
00:41:19,287 --> 00:41:22,484
''..and was refusing to answer the door
to reporters,
618
00:41:22,527 --> 00:41:25,360
''but neighbours close
to his Riverbank home confirmed
619
00:41:25,407 --> 00:41:28,205
''that the manure,
whilst outside Meldrew's house,
620
00:41:28,247 --> 00:41:32,320
''had been seen to emit
a strange, sinister glow in the dark.''
621
00:41:32,367 --> 00:41:34,403
l don't bel...
622
00:41:34,447 --> 00:41:39,043
Can you believe this? They've blown the
whole thing out of all bloody proportion.
623
00:41:39,087 --> 00:41:42,284
What's their number?
l'm going to ring the editor now.
624
00:41:43,727 --> 00:41:45,479
(Doorbell)
625
00:41:48,727 --> 00:41:50,285
Mr Meldrew?
626
00:41:50,327 --> 00:41:52,079
What?
627
00:41:52,127 --> 00:41:55,881
Ben Killick, chairman
of the Allotments Association.
628
00:41:55,927 --> 00:41:59,556
l'm afraid you've caused
an upset amongst some of our members,
629
00:41:59,607 --> 00:42:04,635
so l've been instructed to call round here
to tell you that steps have been taken.
630
00:42:04,687 --> 00:42:06,996
Steps? What sort of...
631
00:42:07,047 --> 00:42:11,757
Look, there's no risk involved.
Everything's been declared totally safe.
632
00:42:11,807 --> 00:42:14,605
A man came and checked it,
took samples for analysis.
633
00:42:14,647 --> 00:42:16,717
So l've been led to believe, Mr Meldrew.
634
00:42:16,767 --> 00:42:20,203
There's only one question
l want to ask and that is,
635
00:42:20,247 --> 00:42:23,364
do you or do you not wish
to keep that allotment?
636
00:42:23,407 --> 00:42:26,160
Of course l want to keep it.
637
00:42:26,207 --> 00:42:28,198
Ah, fair enough then.
638
00:42:28,247 --> 00:42:31,080
Otherwise, you see,
we would've taken it up to the tip.
639
00:42:31,127 --> 00:42:32,958
OK, George.
640
00:42:33,007 --> 00:42:34,918
(Engine starts up)
641
00:42:53,207 --> 00:42:56,199
What the... What... You...
642
00:42:59,167 --> 00:43:01,681
Pollute your own environment
if you want to,
643
00:43:01,727 --> 00:43:04,195
but you're not going to pollute ours.
644
00:43:18,087 --> 00:43:20,078
(Sighs)
645
00:43:20,127 --> 00:43:22,925
- Mr Meldrew?
- Oh, God save us, here we go.
646
00:43:22,967 --> 00:43:26,846
Look, it wasn't my fault. lt was
the bloody press that stirred all this up.
647
00:43:26,887 --> 00:43:30,846
The stupid, senile... l didn't ask them
to get the bloody lot and cart it back!
648
00:43:30,887 --> 00:43:33,162
Victor, will you wrap up?
649
00:43:34,407 --> 00:43:36,125
Patrick, what is it?
650
00:43:37,607 --> 00:43:40,565
l wondered if one of you
could run me up to the hospital.
651
00:43:40,607 --> 00:43:42,837
There's been a very bad bus crash.
652
00:43:44,567 --> 00:43:48,082
lt's all right, love. lt's OK.
653
00:43:48,127 --> 00:43:50,516
l feel worse than l look.
654
00:43:50,567 --> 00:43:53,684
You mean you look worse than you feel?
655
00:43:55,007 --> 00:43:56,759
No.
656
00:43:57,727 --> 00:43:59,718
Just one of those things.
657
00:43:59,767 --> 00:44:04,397
Car shot out in front of me
from a side street. l went straight in.
658
00:44:04,447 --> 00:44:06,517
lt wasn't your fault.
659
00:44:06,567 --> 00:44:11,004
- Don't blame yourself.
- Maniac with bollocks for brains.
660
00:44:12,007 --> 00:44:16,762
l could've ploughed across the traffic
and killed 50 people.
661
00:44:16,807 --> 00:44:19,082
l don't know how l didn't.
662
00:44:20,967 --> 00:44:23,527
Breath test was positive, of course.
663
00:44:23,567 --> 00:44:26,559
lsn't it always?
664
00:44:26,607 --> 00:44:30,202
When are people ever going
to get it into their skulls?
665
00:44:30,247 --> 00:44:33,478
He should be locked away for life.
There's simply no excuse.
666
00:44:34,487 --> 00:44:38,560
No, l don't think you understand,
Margaret.
667
00:44:38,607 --> 00:44:41,565
My breath test was positive.
668
00:44:44,647 --> 00:44:45,875
No?
669
00:44:45,927 --> 00:44:49,920
Just over.
Three milligrams or something.
670
00:44:49,967 --> 00:44:53,880
l mean, l know l was fine,
but that's not the point, of course.
671
00:44:53,927 --> 00:44:57,237
You're quite right, Margaret,
no excuse at all.
672
00:44:59,047 --> 00:45:03,325
Lunch time,
one of the office staff was leaving.
673
00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:06,359
l had three martinis
pushed into my hand.
674
00:45:07,687 --> 00:45:11,157
Well, l've paid for it now, haven't l?
675
00:45:11,207 --> 00:45:14,438
lt's all right.
Try not to keep thinking about it.
676
00:45:14,487 --> 00:45:18,400
Lost my licence, lost my job.
677
00:45:20,767 --> 00:45:22,758
Lost my baby.
678
00:45:37,527 --> 00:45:39,518
Typical, l suppose, really.
679
00:45:39,567 --> 00:45:42,718
Should've ended up
the same way as it began.
680
00:45:44,927 --> 00:45:46,918
Accidents will happen.
681
00:45:51,487 --> 00:45:55,162
l wonder why they didn't put that
on my birth certificate.
682
00:45:55,207 --> 00:45:57,198
''Life by misadventure.''
683
00:45:58,207 --> 00:46:00,596
lt would've just about summed it all up.
684
00:46:02,887 --> 00:46:07,756
l've just been down to check the back
door. l found this stuck to the glass.
685
00:46:08,927 --> 00:46:10,440
Mm...
686
00:46:12,167 --> 00:46:14,635
Shall l put it in the book?
687
00:46:15,647 --> 00:46:17,717
What book?
688
00:46:20,887 --> 00:46:22,878
How's the bedtime drink?
689
00:46:22,927 --> 00:46:27,125
- Yes, fine. What is it?
- lt's a special herbal tea.
690
00:46:27,167 --> 00:46:29,601
Pippa got it for me
at the health-food shop.
691
00:46:29,647 --> 00:46:34,437
Said, ''Drink all that back and you'll have
the best night's sleep ever.''
692
00:46:48,007 --> 00:46:49,918
Night, then.
693
00:46:49,967 --> 00:46:51,958
Night.
694
00:47:02,887 --> 00:47:04,764
(Victor coughs)
695
00:47:06,127 --> 00:47:08,118
(Victor vomits)
696
00:47:10,207 --> 00:47:12,198
(Gasping)
697
00:47:15,687 --> 00:47:18,247
♪ They say l might as well face the truth
698
00:47:19,407 --> 00:47:22,444
♪ That l am just too long in the tooth
699
00:47:22,487 --> 00:47:25,843
♪ l've started to deteriorate
700
00:47:25,887 --> 00:47:29,436
♪ And now l've passed
my own sell-by date
701
00:47:29,487 --> 00:47:33,275
♪ Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true
702
00:47:33,327 --> 00:47:36,763
♪ l have to pop my teeth in to chew
703
00:47:36,807 --> 00:47:40,197
♪ And my old knees
have started to knock
704
00:47:40,247 --> 00:47:44,126
♪ l've just got too many miles
on the clock
705
00:47:44,167 --> 00:47:47,364
♪ So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly,
set in my ways
706
00:47:47,407 --> 00:47:51,286
♪ lt's true that my body
has seen better days
707
00:47:51,327 --> 00:47:54,922
♪ But give me half a chance
and l can still misbehave
708
00:47:54,967 --> 00:47:57,197
♪ One foot in the grave
709
00:47:58,327 --> 00:48:00,795
♪ One foot in the grave
710
00:48:01,847 --> 00:48:04,236
♪ One foot in the grave ♪